Creative Nonfiction
A Modest Intercession
by Ayshea Wild
It is a sad state of affairs when throughout our nation, upon visiting classrooms, children’s museums, playgrounds, and other places where children are wont to gather, one sees frequent examples of unusually tired, sullen, anxious, and resentful children who present this way due to the common and ordinary occurrence of parental separation and divorce. Such children, who have all the pliant, youthful capacities of resiliency available to them, can frequently be seen whining and sulking, even when both their parents are alive and healthy and moving forward with their lives after the inconvenience and banality of accepting they were not made for each other after all. To remedy this unfortunate situation, I urgently propose federally funded, and court-mandated, post-divorce workshops for all affected children, to educate them in the particular life skills of emotional intelligence, attunement, and letting go.
First, it should be acknowledged that emotional intelligence does not come naturally to children of any age. Learning to rise above their petty wants and resistances takes practice and self-study. But, children must learn to control their emotional outbursts and curb their displays of anger, including tantrums, which do much to deter future step-parents. Workshops in emotional self-management will go a long way towards promoting harmony in both new family units that result from a divorce [1]. The emphasis in this matter will be on safety and efficiency, with instruction that focuses on acceptance of new parental rules and limits, enhances memory for rules that may change as the child transitions between homes, and creates tolerance for understandable inconsistencies in parental discipline.
Second, attunement is also a learned skill for children that requires guidance and practice. Children naturally indulge their dissatisfactions, and therefore a workshop, where other children of divorce are present, that teaches them to refocus their attention away from the nostalgia of the days when their parents were still married, is necessary and appropriate. Certainly it is easy to dwell on times when everyone lived conveniently under one roof, but with the help of a workshop children can access their innate adaptability regarding schedules, homes, and organizing their belongings. Children can be taught to appreciate the positive aspects of their new situation and bring their minds into alignment with each parent’s new way of life in each of his/her two homes [2]. The workshop on attunement will cover the great inconvenience parents suffer when children resist carefully constructed schedules and new home environments. Children will receive instruction in displaying gratitude for all the parental effort that goes into making their lives run smoothly across two homes, and also learn that parents will be happier and more giving if children express contentment at times of transition between households; saying goodbye sweetly to the parent who is finishing his/her shift and greeting the relieving parent so as to inspire delight instead of cause anxiety and strain.
Third, children of divorce benefit from greater than average support in the area of letting go. Although it is too late for them to align with the reasons the divorce came about and also fall out of love in accordance with each parent’s needs, children can be urged to cultivate both a non-judgmental attitude towards their parents, and flexibility around the introduction of new partners in their parents’ lives. Learning to let go takes time and effort, particularly with regard to that primordially irksome downer: the fantasy a child too often holds of his/her parents one day reuniting and simultaneously righting the child’s world [3]. Children cling to this idea in an unreasonably rigid way, and as they do so they divert attention from what is good for each new family unit as a whole. They also attach themselves to ideals about each parent, and do not understand that Mummy and Daddy may be inclined to say bad things about each other and that this is entirely understandable given the circumstances. Such oversensitivity is counter-productive and will therefore be addressed in the workshop. Education around changing relationships, and how the heart can really only focus on one object of affection at a time, will help to decrease false beliefs and misplaced loyalties the child experiences on behalf of the parent who may not have yet formed a new relationship and in reaction to the parent who already has [4]. Children who are blinded by self-serving doldrums unthinkingly hinder each of their parents from pursuing and enjoying a new social life.
These three areas of emotional intelligence, attunement, and letting go must be combined with a general move towards instilling positive thinking in the participants. In this way families can expediently proceed with their lives without the encumbrances that lead to disgruntlement and loneliness. So, do not speak to me of the impractical ideas that abound concerning the misuse of federal funds to mandate potential educational workshops for parents: parents who are both busy working and juggling complicated schedules to support their offspring; parents who would lose pay to attend time-consuming workshops; parents who, moreover, find it awkward to appear in the same room together and hold basic conversations about their shared parental responsibilities without raised voices and other unpleasantnesses; parents who have sophisticated emotional lives of their own to consider; parents who need to get their lives back on track and start over with someone new. Despite those few academics who claim that the introduction of new partners is equal to the trauma of the divorce itself, there are, except in cases of extreme poverty, many positive things for affected children to look forward to: Two bedrooms! Two sets of birthday and holiday gifts! Two family vacations!
Clearly, the best solution to improving the outward appearance and demeanor of children of divorce is to provide mandated awareness education and redirection to all children from divorced families. It would be no trouble to extend an affected child’s school day to accommodate an afterschool workshop program and the extra time in school would be a bonus for working parents. Perhaps in the future we could go further and recommend that all children receive training, as part of their formal schooling, in sensitivity to parental shifts in affection so as to proactively ease the process of divorce itself, as it is so prevalent and many families will experience it at some point. This way children will adapt their mindsets earlier and adjust their behavior accordingly. For now however, I see no better way to reinstate harmony swiftly and effectively in the family units than by targeting the children for education about more co-operative ways of managing themselves while at the home, and in the headspace, of each parent [5].
Endnotes:
1. Children of newly divorced parents need advice on the topic of how to intuit a parent’s mood, followed by how the child ought to comport him/herself accordingly.
2. Children have the remarkable potential to compartmentalize their lives in this way; when their initial emotional reactions are tempered by the workshop experience, they will settle into a pattern of noticing exactly what is expected of them in each home and behaving in the appropriate manner.
3. It is another irksome downer that remarried couples are 10% more likely to divorce than couples in first marriages. There is hope that this rise can be mitigated by the proposed educational workshops, since children are reported to be the main grounds for discord in second marriages.
4. It is imperative that children learn not to speak disparagingly about a parent’s new partner, in front of either parent. Speaking ill of new partners in the home of the other parent damages the delicate balance of the co-parenting relationship, a fact which is beyond the understanding of the child but can be addressed obliquely in the workshop.
5. There is only so much a busy parent can hold in his/her mind at a time, and no child can expect to be the constant focus of his/her parents’ attention. New partners sometimes bring additional headspace to the family unit, which compensates slightly for the parent’s headspace they assume.
©Ayshea Wild 2017